


The Case Of The Fat Goose With A Stone In

by Dolevalan



Category: Hark! A Vagrant
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-21
Updated: 2011-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-27 15:48:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/297482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dolevalan/pseuds/Dolevalan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Watson attempts his hand at a bit of editing, with mixed results.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Case Of The Fat Goose With A Stone In

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



_My dearest Holmes,_

 _Despite my continuing displeasure at both the loss of  your company and the necessity of standing  idly by while your rotund simpleton impersonates me in the public sphere, I cannot entirely divorce myself for the respect and affection you know I have long held for you. It is, then, as your friend that I return the enclosed manuscript in as good a condition as I may without simply jettisoning the whole and starting over. I am certain you are, as ever, much engaged at present, but should you wish the narrative to have anything resembling a basis in reality, there are several matters of routine fact you might illuminate. Note that all my commentary within is addressed to you, as I doubt the author would not understand, or indeed value it in the slightest._

 _I hope you will not find it overly sentimental of me to express a fond hope that you will reconsider the relative importance of comedy, and end this charade. Not only are my personal feelings those of distress and discomfort at these unfortunate circumstances, but I fear your reputation may be harmed if you allow narratives such as this, even after my attempt at shaping it, to go to print. While you may have criticized my original chronicles as overly romantic, such a manuscript as this is something else again. I must tell you frankly that I have already heard a good deal of gossip on the subject of your current arrangement; I doubt this holds any personal interests you, but may I suggest that such talk may lead to aggravation and a dearth of suitable cases. I am sure the well-publicized nature of our association prevents me from hearing the worst of it, and you of all people know the small-mindedness of the typical purveyor of such “information.”_

 _Please do consider. You know where you may find me at any time. Mary sends her greetings, and wishes you a happy Christmas._

 _Ever your obedient friend,_

 _John H. Watson, M.D._

 

The Case Of The Fat Goose With A Stone In

 

 _Suggested Alternate Titles: The Adventure of the Hidden Jewel; The Case of the Abandoned Goose; The Adventure of the Blue Carbuncle; The Christmas Windfall. Strongly recommend new title as you think fit  – JHW_

I believe [–] it was about Christmastime. No, no, it must have been all of Christmas Day, [–] because Mrs. Hudson was making mince pies. I do so love a good mince pie, and I would have them all [season] long, but Mrs. Hudson says I’ll get even fatter, and that I might one day burst like a melon and then she’d have to clean it up, wouldn’t she?

 _Note that, throughout, I have made every attempt to force the narrative to within the confines of English grammar, and to tease ejaculations and fragments into full sentences. This sometimes lends a stilted effect, but I am not sure it can be entirely helped, given the scrawled source material with which I was presented._

Melons only burst when they’re dropped, says I, but she still won’t let me have as many mince pies [as I’d like].  But Holmes let me keep my jam I found, so I have that until it’s gone. [I’m very fond of jam.]

 _This last sentence is a condensation; the author wrote the word “jam” approximately three dozen times without context. I believe he was simply distracted, and I omitted the repetition for reasons that hardly require elaboration, writing the new sentence to convey his probable meaning._

I was eating the jam when the short one came ( _From the attempted sketch in the margin and the context, I venture this may be commissionaire Peterson?_ ); he had a hat and a goose, only not his hat and his goose. I told Holmes I should check the goose for clues. Maybe we could put it in the oven and see if any clues came out. Holmes was mostly looking at the hat, not me. The short one wanted to take the goose away, but it was a lovely goose, and I thought it was [proper] for Christmas day.

Holmes wasn’t interested in the goose, but it turned out nice and golden brown. I kept an eye on the oven for clues. He was in the other room with the hat. When [the goose] was ready, I ate and ate and what do you think? I got a stone in my throat! I waved for help, but Holmes didn’t see right off, and then I fell over.

 _May I presume our dashing hero has fainted?_

When I looked up and saw Holmes looking at me, I thought he might worry, but it was just that I’d coughed out the stone and he’d picked it up with his [handkerchief] to look. “I say,” I said. “Is it a clue?”

“[Remarkably,] it is.” Holmes smiled. “Do you recall, Watson, the [Countess of Morcar’s blue carbuncle – _my assumption for the” pretty blue rock that went missing” – it would be the one advertised for beginning on December 22, I believe_ ]? It was a unique case.”

I did not remember, but I forget a lot of things. He did not wait for me to answer.

“I have no doubt Mrs. Hudson, or anyone, would have found it had you not needed to eat the bird so quickly that you didn’t wait for it to be properly carved. Still, no harm done, and I doubt very much that you’ve removed any deductive value by [oral ingestion].”

“By Jove, I thought it was just giblets, Holmes,” I said.

“Hardly, Doctor.”

 _I refuse to believe that person possesses a medical degree; I would recommend changing this description for accuracy’s sake._

Holmes was looking at the pretty stone under the light. I could see it was very shiny. He was saying something about plumber and a robbery and it all seemed dreadfully upsetting. The stone made a little pattern on the wall, which I liked very much. But he tucked the stone away, and dashed off to do something or other, and I finished the goose. And some mince pies.

I was napping later, and Holmes got back. I don’t know when, but he was there when he let in the man with the floppy hat. The man looked worried, though I couldn’t say why.

“Ah, Mr. Henry Baker, I believe,” Holmes said, as the man came in. “Watson, why don’t you go downstairs and ask Mrs. Hudson what’s for supper.”

“I say, are you sure you don’t need me here?”

“Quite sure, Watson. There’s a good chap.”

So I went down. Mrs. Hudson was preparing a nice shepherd’s pie. She didn’t want me there either, though, so she gave me some tea and sent me to the front parlour. In a bit, the man came down, with the floppy hat in his hand but a new hat on his head. Not a new one, though, but the one from earlier that came with the goose.

I went up to see Holmes. “Holmes, did you find a clue?”

He looked [tired.]

 _As well you might, if you’ll forgive me the observation._

“Watson, I don’t know how many times I must tell you. There is more to what I do than simply ‘finding clues,’ as if they’re party favors left out on a table.” He got up and gathered his bag. “I did, however, learn something of import. I need to go investigate. Don’t wait for me.”

“I want to come, Holmes. I can help you,” I said.

“I sincerely doubt that. But if you feel you must get out of the flat, why don’t you pay Lestrade a visit. I’m sure he’d be delighted to see you.”

So I did.

 _As it has no bearing to the case, I have omitted the entirety of the visit’s description. While I’m certain you were glad to be rid of him, Holmes, you might have spared the poor inspector. He, like you, certainly had work to do that did not involve playing nursemaid to a simpleton._

When I came back, Holmes had a little man in the sitting room. He looked very nervous, and jumped up as I came in – not Holmes, the little man.  “Oh, what is this?”

“It’s only my associate, Watson,” Holmes said. (He didn’t mean the other man was named Watson too, he meant me. I was confused, but then Holmes told me he wasn’t another Watson. He didn’t look like a Watson, but I can never tell.) “I can assure you, you’ve nothing to fear from him.” Then he added, “If you’re going to stand about, Watson, you might take some notes.”

I got a piece of paper and started, but they talked [very] fast, both of them. There was something about a couple gooses with bars on their tails, and I don’t know what all.

 _Perhaps, prior to publication, if you could trouble yourself to touch upon the details of the case – as it was not in the papers as far as I could determine – I would be happy to insert a bit more detail here in order to ensure that the reader gets a proper, or indeed, any sense of the case at all. I did note that the advertisements stopped and that John Horner was released, so if nothing else, I can gather that you saw the stone back to its proper owner._

When the little man mentioned a blue [carbuncle], I said, “Do you mean that blue stone, what? We’ve got it here!” Holmes looked displeased, and the little man swayed like he’d be ready to fall.

“That’s been established, Watson,” Holmes said. “You needn’t harp on it.”

“Oh, I see,” I said.

The smaller man said, “If he knows, who else may? Have you been spreading it about?”

“I’ve done nothing of the sort.” Then Holmes got how Holmes gets, and talked him round and round in circles until he fled the flat. I tried to write it, but later, I couldn’t read my notes.

 _Given the state of his penmanship, I can’t say I’m terribly surprised._

“Do you think we should call the police, Holmes?”

“Don’t bother. He’s too frightened to be a nuisance, the jewel will be returned, and the innocent man set free.” 

I laughed. “It’s a jolly good thing I didn’t swallow the stone, isn’t it?”

“What? Oh, yes, I suppose.” Holmes seemed distracted. After a moment, I let myself out to go find what delightful thing Mrs. Hudson was baking; I hoped it was crumpets, though it [turned out to be] scones.

  


 _Again, I have endeavored to give the work back in is as strong a state as I can produce without altering the manuscript beyond recognition. Not that I would hesitate in any way to do so from principle, but at a remove, I cannot know most – indeed, any – of the case’s pertinent facts. Certainly none are contained above._

 _If you would allow me to stop by tomorrow, perhaps I can get down a proper account for my files, if nothing else. Should you, instead, wish the piece to have a greater focus on jam and the systematic annoyance practiced upon Inspector Lestrade, I shall restore those portions and send it back to you with my compliments._

- _JHW_


End file.
